Friday, July 31, 2009
The most expensive cigarette in the world
A man in the United States popped out to his local petrol station to buy a pack of cigarettes - only to find out his card was charged more then $23 quadrillion (£14 quadrillion) - many times the US national debt.
"I thought somebody had bought Europe with my credit card," said Josh Muszynski, from New Hampshire.
He says his appeals to his bank first met with little understanding, though it eventually corrected the error.
It also waived the usual $15 overdraft fee.
"It was all back to normal," Mr Muszynski told his local television station, WMUR. "They reversed the negative balance fee, which was nice."
Debt crisis
His nightmare began when he checked his online bank account a few hours after buying the cigarettes.
When Josh Muszynski checked his bank account online, he didn't expect to find a $23 quadrillion debit.
He thought he would be a couple of hundred dollars in the black. But his overdraft had pushed him into the red - by an amount equivalent to many times the entire US national debt.
"It is a lot of money in the negative," he said. "Something I could never, ever, afford to pay back.
The 17-digit amount on his online bill shocked Mr Muszynski
"My children could not afford it, grandchildren, nothing like that."
In panic, Mr Muszynski rushed back to the petrol station, but they were unable to help. He says he then spent two hours on the phone with the Bank of America.
Eventually, it assured him it would be fixed - and the next morning, it had been.
But no-one has yet explained to Mr Muszynski how such a astonishing error could have been made.
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Spaceship Cloud
A giant, anvil-shaped cloud bubbles up towards the Earth’s stratosphere, looming over West Africa. The amazing formation would be invisible to anyone on the ground and would even be obscure from a regular passenger jet since they can reach up to 75,000ft. But astronauts captured the astonishing picture from hundreds of miles up as they orbited the globe on the International Space Station. Anvil clouds are formed mostly from ice and normally form in the upper parts of thunderstorms. They get their shape from the fact that rising warm air in thunderstorms expands and spreads out as the air bumps up against the bottom of the stratosphere. Streaks of snow are often seen falling out of the edges of anvils. This light snow usually evaporates as it falls through the relatively dry air surrounding the upper part of the thunderstorm.
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Wishes
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud: "Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish".
The man said, 'Build me a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy."
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish".
The man said, 'Build me a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy."
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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Gorilla Exterminator
A man woke up one morning, looked out the window, and saw a huge gorilla in the tree in his back yard. Feeling very nervous, he grabbed the phone book and looked up 'gorilla exterminators' in the Yellow Pages.
He called the exterminator, who said he would be right out. The exterminator arrived in a van, hopped out, and opened the door. He took out a large net, a shotgun, and a fierce-looking dog.
"OK", he said, "this is how it works, I climb the tree and shake it and the gorilla falls to the ground. The dog runs over and bites him in a vital spot. While he's disabled, you throw the net over him. I'll come down and we'll tie him up".
As the exterminator started up the tree, the man called, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
The exterminator said, "Sometimes when I shake the tree, the gorilla shakes it back and I fall out of the tree. If that happens ...... you shoot the dog".
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He called the exterminator, who said he would be right out. The exterminator arrived in a van, hopped out, and opened the door. He took out a large net, a shotgun, and a fierce-looking dog.
"OK", he said, "this is how it works, I climb the tree and shake it and the gorilla falls to the ground. The dog runs over and bites him in a vital spot. While he's disabled, you throw the net over him. I'll come down and we'll tie him up".
As the exterminator started up the tree, the man called, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
The exterminator said, "Sometimes when I shake the tree, the gorilla shakes it back and I fall out of the tree. If that happens ...... you shoot the dog".
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Thursday, July 30, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Unequal relationship
She should just say it face to face... Or ask the guy to turn his head to the right to read her last sentence.
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Universal Murphy's Law
Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. (or in my case the kids and the dog walk in)
Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will..
Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last and they are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over while those in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and who stay to the bitter end of the performance and beyond. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
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Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. (or in my case the kids and the dog walk in)
Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will..
Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last and they are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over while those in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and who stay to the bitter end of the performance and beyond. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
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Monday, July 27, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
100 Things That The Next Generation Might Not Experience
Here are a few examples:
* Inserting a VHS tape into a VCR to watch a movie or to record something
* 8 Track cartridges
* Betamax tapes
* The buzz of a dot matrix printer
* Finding out information from an Encyclopedia
* Phone books and Yellow Pages
* Waiting several minutes (or even hours!) to download something
* When Spam was just a meat product
* Typewriters
* Putting film in your camera
* Sending that film away to be processed
* Pay phones … and phone booths
* Kentucky Fried Chicken, as opposed to KFC
* Having to manually unlock a car door
* Roller skates, as opposed to blades
* A physical dictionary (either or spelling or definitions)
More here.
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* Inserting a VHS tape into a VCR to watch a movie or to record something
* 8 Track cartridges
* Betamax tapes
* The buzz of a dot matrix printer
* Finding out information from an Encyclopedia
* Phone books and Yellow Pages
* Waiting several minutes (or even hours!) to download something
* When Spam was just a meat product
* Typewriters
* Putting film in your camera
* Sending that film away to be processed
* Pay phones … and phone booths
* Kentucky Fried Chicken, as opposed to KFC
* Having to manually unlock a car door
* Roller skates, as opposed to blades
* A physical dictionary (either or spelling or definitions)
More here.
via
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Tranquility
“This was shot at the Okinawa Churaumi Aquarium in Japan. The main tank called the ‘Kuroshio Sea’ holds 7,500-cubic meters (1,981,290 gallons) of water and features the world’s second largest acrylic glass panel, measuring 8.2 meters by 22.5 meters with a thickness of 60 centimeters. Whale sharks and manta rays are kept amongst many other fish species in the main tank.”
So peaceful, so graceful.
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Toothpaste squeezer
“Toothpaste Squeezer is space saving and convenient. Start from today, no more waste toothpaste and squeeze it to the last drop!”
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Sunday, July 19, 2009
Albert
A woman in a grocery store happened upon a grandfather and his poorly-behaved 3-year-old grandson. It was obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles.
Meanwhile, Gramps was working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, ”Easy, Albert, we won’t be long — easy, boy.”
Another outburst, and she heard Gramps calmly say, “It’s okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout, the little terror was throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice was
saying, “Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert.”
Very impressed, the woman went outside where Gramps was loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
“You know, sir, it’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”
“Thanks, lady,” said Gramps, “But, I’m Albert — the little bastard’s name is Stevie..”
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Meanwhile, Gramps was working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, ”Easy, Albert, we won’t be long — easy, boy.”
Another outburst, and she heard Gramps calmly say, “It’s okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout, the little terror was throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice was
saying, “Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert.”
Very impressed, the woman went outside where Gramps was loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
“You know, sir, it’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”
“Thanks, lady,” said Gramps, “But, I’m Albert — the little bastard’s name is Stevie..”
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Saturday, July 18, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
B-2 Spirit flies over Pacific Ocean
May 12, 2009 — A U.S. Air Force B-2 Spirit stealth bomber flies over the western Pacific Ocean during a refueling mission. The B-2 Spirit is assigned to the 13th Expeditionary Bomb Squadron, deployed to Andersen AFB in “Tip of the Spear” Guam, USA, as part of the Continuous Bomber Presence in the Western Pacific.
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Heaven Automated Helpline
Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling heaven.
For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others
I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3
To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign. If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666..
For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers,3:16.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics..
Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.
The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday..
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.
Thank you and have a heavenly day.
Thank you for calling heaven.
For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others
I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3
To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign. If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666..
For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers,3:16.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics..
Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.
The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday..
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.
Thank you and have a heavenly day.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Military Quotes
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." -Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.." -U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." -General MacArthur
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." -U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways." -U.S.. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal
"Any ship can be a minesweeper.. Once."
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Marine Recruit
Clean it, if it's Dirty. Oil it, if it Squeaks. But: Don't Screw with it, if it Works! -USAF Electronic Technician
"If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him." -USAF - Ammo Troop
"Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
-"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." -test pilot Paul F. Crickmore
Latitude is Where We are Lost, & Longitude is How Long We've been Lost There! -USAF Navi-guesser (Navigator)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- however, it's probably unsafe in any case .."
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club ." -Unknown disgruntled Grunt
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
If ATC screws up, ..... The pilot dies."
"Never trade luck for skill.
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?"
"Where are we?" and
"Oh Shit!"
" Airspeed, altitude and brains........Two out of three are needed to successfully complete the flight."
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." -Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." -Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes FULL Power to taxi to the terminal."
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft , having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?"
The pilot's reply: "I don 't know, I just got here myself!"
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"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.." -U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." -General MacArthur
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." -U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways." -U.S.. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal
"Any ship can be a minesweeper.. Once."
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Marine Recruit
Clean it, if it's Dirty. Oil it, if it Squeaks. But: Don't Screw with it, if it Works! -USAF Electronic Technician
"If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him." -USAF - Ammo Troop
"Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
-"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." -test pilot Paul F. Crickmore
Latitude is Where We are Lost, & Longitude is How Long We've been Lost There! -USAF Navi-guesser (Navigator)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- however, it's probably unsafe in any case .."
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club ." -Unknown disgruntled Grunt
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
If ATC screws up, ..... The pilot dies."
"Never trade luck for skill.
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?"
"Where are we?" and
"Oh Shit!"
" Airspeed, altitude and brains........Two out of three are needed to successfully complete the flight."
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." -Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." -Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes FULL Power to taxi to the terminal."
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft , having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?"
The pilot's reply: "I don 't know, I just got here myself!"
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Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Looking back
An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Emma, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Emma replied, "Well Herman, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Herman was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Emma said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Herman recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Emma asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Herman. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"All right," Emma said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of the synagogue, and you needed 73 more votes?"
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Emma replied, "Well Herman, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Herman was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Emma said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Herman recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Emma asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Herman. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"All right," Emma said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of the synagogue, and you needed 73 more votes?"
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Monday, July 13, 2009
16 Embarassing Marriage Proposals
Top 10 Sleepwalking stories
There was this little guy sitting in a bar…
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and — WHACK!! — knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, “That was a karate chop from Korea.”
The little guy thinks “GEEZ,” but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden — WHACK!! — the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, “That was a judo chop from Japan.”
So the little guy has had enough of this… He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and — WHAM!!!” — knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!
The little guy looks at the bartender and says, “When he gets up, tell him that’s a crowbar from Sears.
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The little guy thinks “GEEZ,” but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden — WHACK!! — the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, “That was a judo chop from Japan.”
So the little guy has had enough of this… He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and — WHAM!!!” — knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!
The little guy looks at the bartender and says, “When he gets up, tell him that’s a crowbar from Sears.
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Swearing Makes Pain More Tolerable
That muttered curse word that reflexively comes out when you stub your toe could actually make it easier to bear the throbbing pain, a new study suggests.
Swearing is a common response to pain, but no previous research has connected the uttering of an expletive to the actual physical experience of pain.
"Swearing has been around for centuries and is an almost universal human linguistic phenomenon," said Richard Stephens of Keele University in England and one of the authors of the new study. "It taps into emotional brain centers and appears to arise in the right brain, whereas most language production occurs in the left cerebral hemisphere of the brain."
Stephens and his fellow Keele researchers John Atkins and Andrew Kingston sought to test how swearing would affect an individual's tolerance to pain. Because swearing often has an exaggerating effect that can overstate the severity of pain, the team thought that swearing would lessen a person's tolerance.
As it turned out, the opposite seems to be true.
Read the rest here.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Witnessing The Miracle
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant-- about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant-- about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
Cure for common cold
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stands in the draft.
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia."
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stands in the draft.
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia."
Code Word
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."
Helicopter ride
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter..'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Laundry
A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, The young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside. “That laundry is not very clean”, she said. “She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”
Her husband looked on, but remained silent.
Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:
“Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this.”
The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”
And so it is with life. What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look.
via
Her husband looked on, but remained silent.
Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:
“Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this.”
The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”
And so it is with life. What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look.
via
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Unsuccessful championship race
On the first photo you can see the Italian Olympic swimmer Flavia Zoccari in tears.
Do you think she lost the race? In fact, she didn’t even participate.
Click here to find out why.
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