Educational Emails

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now, and seem to have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public restroom door without using a paper towel. And I don't have them put lemon slices in my ice water for worry about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

That's just a couple of things you taught me. I also can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I must send my special thanks to whomever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have gto use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

Really, I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use deodorants with cancer-causing ingredients (all of them), even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Because of your concern for my health, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it is so powerful it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a $5 bill dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grap my leg.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5 p.m. tomorrow and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

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