Monday, January 31, 2011

Reflex Action

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ‘Holy Shit. That must be my husband!’

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’

The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’


God Will Provide

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.

The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar." he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."


More Proof Duct Tape Can Fix Anything


See How Wearing A Hat Can Totally Make The Difference


Peacock Cupcake


Scary Toes


Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The Game Warden

A redneck was stopped by a game warden just north of Kentucky’s Lake Cumberland recently with two ice chests of fish.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, whut?" said the redneck.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"


Nine most toxic plants for humans

You may love flowers and plants but you should always bear in mind that not all pretty blooms are as innocent as they might appear.

Some plants which are regularly placed in gardens are anything but friendly, and that decorative bush might easily be the death of you, quite literally, if you happened to ingest it.
Poisonous plants, toxic to humans, are more common than you might think.

Read it here


Facebook: Thumbs Up


Monday, January 24, 2011

Justice, by George

George Phillips was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an armed response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"


Cat Jump Fail


Hidden Man

Friday, January 21, 2011

This is a notice


Road Rage

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ”I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally….I assumed you had stolen the car.”


Spongebob sad cheeks


Wednesday, January 19, 2011

When You're Dead

Have you ever thought about what will happen to your online presence after you have died? What will happen to your weblog, your Facebook status update, your tweets, or your uploaded photos on Flickr? What happens to this version of you that you've built with bits after you have gone? Who will have access to which parts of it, and for how long?

The New York Times posted a long article, written by Rob Walker, about the fact that not many people have given serious thought to these questions. Maybe that's partly because what we do online still feels somehow novel and ephemeral. Or maybe it's because pondering mortality is simply a downer

Read article here



How we really use tools


Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The angry travelers guide


High Voltage Cable Inspection


A Christmas Story

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

“Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.

Can you please help me?


Edna “

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read,

“Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it must have been those goons at the Post Office.”


Monday, January 17, 2011


Never ask a cat to do a dog's job.


St Peter's Bell

St. Peter is very busy in Heaven,
so he leaves a sign by the Pearly Gates:
"For Service Ring Bell."
Away he goes; he barely gets started when BING! the bell rings.
He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there.
St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell rings again.
He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there.
A little annoyed, St. Peter goes back to work.
Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back;
again, no one's there, and he's now really, /really/ irritated.
"Okay, that's it," he says. "I'm going to hide and watch to see what's going on."
So St. Peter hides, and a moment later,
a little old man walks up and rings the bell.
St. Peter jumps out and yells,
"Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing the bell?"
"Yes, that's me," the little old man says
."Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?"
St. Peter asks
"They keep resuscitating me."






The crowd awaits the unveiling of the new statue

Just like humans awaits the unveiling of the "Fruit's" latest i-products


Locking up your scissors


Don’t walk and text


Friday, January 14, 2011


At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."


Thursday, January 13, 2011

An Indian Winter

It’s late fall and the Indians on the Northern Cheyenne Indian Reservation in Montana asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old ways. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He got on the phone and called the National Weather Service and asked, ‘Is the coming winter going to be cold?’

‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,’ the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?’

‘Yes,’ the man at National Weather Service again replied, ‘it’s going to be a very cold winter.’

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. ‘Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?’

‘Absolutely,’ the man replied. ‘It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.’

‘How can you be so sure?’ the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, ‘The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood.’


Stop Talking

Sometimes, in some meetings, this is the best response.


Hijacking A Sled



I Saw What You Did



Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Job For A Day Workers Club


Happy New Year!


Pick Up Lines


Parenting Fail - Headshot!


Bear Grylls Is a Rollmodel


Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting,
he looked up and said,
"Grandma, how comeyou don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went toheaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.
I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The religiousprograms make me feel good and the comedies makeme laugh.
I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture infocus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of theTV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the door-bell ring, so he hurried to open the door,
there stood Grand-ma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied,
"Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The minister fainted.


Feeding The Pigs

There was a farmer who had many pigs.
One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer:
"What do you use to feed your pigs?"
"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"
"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association
and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes."
Then he fined the farmer.
Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question.
The farmer answered:
"Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?"
"Because I am from the United Nations Organization
and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that
when there are people dying with nothing to eat."
And he fined the farmer
.Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question.
The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes:
"Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."