Male Logic

Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man:
Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where’s your Ferrari?

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I Love You, sweetheart

There was a group of women at a seminar

 on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.
The women were asked, “How many of you love your husbands?”

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, 

“When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?”
Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn’t remember.
The women were then told to take their phones and send the following text:

 “I love you, sweetheart.”
Then the women were told to exchange phones 

and read the responding text messages.
Here are some of the replies:

1.    Who is this?

2.  Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?

3.  I love you too.

4.  What now?  Did you crash the car again?

5.  I don’t understand what you mean?

6.  What did you do now?

7.  ?!!???

8.  Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

9.  Am I dreaming?

10. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed we would not to drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn’t she??

 

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the new priest

Robert, the young priest, raised in a small sleepy town, is getting ready to hear confessions for the first time and he is nervous as hell. So he requests the older priest to sit in on his sessions, so he can gain some confidence.

The young priest hears a few confessions, after which the old priest suggests him to come out so they could have a discussion.

The Old priest says, "I suggest that you cross your arms, rub your chin and say things like "Ok, I see" or "Yes, carry on" or "I understand".

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin and repeats all the expressions the older priest had suggested.

The old priest remarks, "What do you say, isn't it better than slapping your knee and saying, "No sh*t... what happened after that?"

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Einstein's Driver

There's a story about how Dr. Albert Einstein was traveling to Universities in his car , delivering lectures on his theory of relativity. During one journey, the driver remarked " Dr. Einstein, I have heard you deliver that lecture about 30 times. I know it by heart and bet I could give it myself."

"Well, I'll give you the chance", said the Dr. "They don't know me at the next University, so when we get there, I'll put on your cap, and you introduce yourself as Dr. Einstein and give the lecture."

The driver delivered Einstein's lecture without any mistakes. When he finished, he started to leave, but one of the professor stopped him and asked a complex question filled with mathematical equations and formulas. The driver thought fast. "The answer to that problem is so simple," he said, " I'm surprised you have to ask me. In fact, to show you just how simple it is, I'm going to ask my driver to come up here and answer your question."

Radio Contest

I called my local radio station to enter a contest this morning. When the DJ answered he said, “Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do us answer my next question correctly to win the grand prize.” “It’s a common knowledge question,” he said. “Feel confident?” “Yes!” I replied. “What have I won?” via

Old Pastor

As an old pastor lay dying, he sent a message for an Internal Revenue Service agent AND his lawyer to come to the hospital. When both men arrived, they were ushered up to his room.

As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments.

They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?"

The old pastor mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I'd like to go!

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The Golden Years

As I left a meeting at a local hotel, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition but my theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, (after waiting some time to compose myself). “Honey,” I stammered; I always call her “honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.” There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice. “Idiot,” she barked, “I dropped you off!” Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.” She retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car.” Yep it’s the golden years. via

Home Coming

A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year.

A few weeks after he got there, he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. "My love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings.

Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. A hobby of some sort would certainly help me resist temptation."

So his wife sent him back a harmonica, saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?"

Eventually, his tour of duty came to and end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling," he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"

She kissed him and said, "First, let's see you play that harmonica." via

Mathematician Job Interview

A mathematician is interviewing for a prestigious job. To make sure he has the right morals, the interviewer gives him the following situation: "You're late for a meeting, when you come across a burning house, a fire hydrant, and a fire hose lying across the street. What do you do?" The mathematician responds: "People's lives are more important than the meeting. I screw the fire hose into the hydrant and put out the fire before coming to the office." The interviewer is impressed, but asks him a followup question just to make sure: "You're late for a meeting when you pass a fire hose connected to a hydrant, next to a perfectly safe house. What do you do?" The mathematician thinks for a moment, then replies: "I unscrew the fire hose, carry it across the street, and set the house on fire. Then I've reduced it to a problem I've already solved." via

Riding With Grandpa

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, Grandpa." He replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole" afterwards. via

The Facts of Life

When my granddaughter Abby was nine years old, she was given an assignment by her teacher to write a story on "Where my family came from." The purpose was to understand your genealogy.

I was not aware of her assignment when she asked me at the dining room table one night, "Grandma, where did I come from?"

I responded quite nervously because my son and daughter-in-law were out of town and I was stalling until they returned home, "Well, honey, the stork brought you."

"Where did Mom come from then?" "The stork brought her, too."

"OK, then where did you come from?"

"The stork brought me too, dear."

"Okay, thanks, Grandma."

I did not think anything more about it until two days later when I was cleaning Abby's room and read the first sentence of her paper: "For three generations there have been no natural births in our family."

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Which Is Worse: Childbirth or Nut Shot?

Women always say that giving birth is far more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Here is proof that they are wrong. A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say, “it might be nice to have another child”. But you never hear a guy say: “I would like another kick in the nuts”.

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Speeding Ticket

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radardetector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for theillegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. 'You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

'Only when he's been drinking.!!

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Tea Time

I gave my baby daughter, a little ‘tea set’ as a gift and it was one of her favorite toys.

I was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought me a little cup of ‘tea,’ which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my wife came home. I made her wait in the living room to watch the little princess bring me a cup of tea, because it was, “just the cutest thing!”

My wife waited, and sure enough, here she come down the hall with a cup of tea for me and my wife watches as I drink it up, then the wife says, “Did it ever occur to you that the only place our daughter can reach to get water is the toilet?”


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Trash Cans

At a recent conference of science and mathematics, a physicist, a mathematician, an engineer, and a statistician were all staying on the same floor of their hotel.

The engineer woke up in the middle of the night to find his trash can had started on fire.

He jumped out of bed, quickly filled his ice bucket with water, extinguished the flames, and went back to sleep.

A little later, the physicist woke up and also discovered his trash can to be ablaze.

He paused for a moment, pulled out his slide rule, and made a few quick calculations. He filled up his ice bucket with exactly 1/2 liter of water and used it to extinguish the fire, and then went back to sleep.

Shortly after, the mathematician was awoken and his trash can was also on fire.

He grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and frantically scribbled out pages and pages of equations. When he found the solution he went to bed, comfortable just knowing that the solution existed.

And the statistician?

He was found running around lighting other people's trash cans on fire because he needed a bigger sample size.


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Who to marry?

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse. Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".

The second man married a telephone operator. Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...Va-voom.".

The third man married a school teacher. Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid".

The next morning, Dave reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.

At 6:00 a.m. the phone rang. It was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The nurse's husband opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. Dave asked, "What happened sir?"

The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, " You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary."

At 6:30 a.m., the phone rang again. The telephone operator's husband called for breakfast. Dave brought it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed. Dave asked," What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as their voices."

The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "You're three minutes are up, your three minutes are up." Dave went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband would be calling any minute.

Finally at 4:30 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast. Dave can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the door and Dave took a step back in shock. The man waswearing only his boxers, his hair was a mess,and he had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs. Dave, fearing the worst, asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"

The man smiled and happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get right."


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Interpreting Dreams

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a beautiful necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight.” he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it – to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams”.

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Behaving Oddly

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it," and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.

The psychologist concluded that the soldier was mentally disturbed, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

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The Defense

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, "What are you being charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early sir," replied the defendant.

"Well, that's not a crime," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened," answered the prisoner.



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TGIF

A business man got on an elevator in a building.

When he entered the elevator,

there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying,

“T-G-I-F” (letters only).


He smiled at her and replied,

“S-H-I-T” (letters only).”

She looked at him, puzzled, and said,

“T-G-I-F” again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering,

“S-H-I-T.”

The blond was trying to be friendly,

so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly

“T-G-I-F” another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression,

“S-H-I-T.”

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,

“T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It’s Friday, get it?”

The man answered,

“Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.”

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