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Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Result Matters
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, church pastor for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed!"
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, church pastor for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed!"
Slow golfer
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Then why can't these guys play at night?"
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Then why can't these guys play at night?"
Adam and Eve
One day, the Lord decided to make a companion for Adam. He summoned St. Peter and told him of his decision. He told St. Peter that he wanted to make a being who was similar to man, yet was different, and could offer him comfort, companionship and pleasure. The Lord said he would call this being a woman.
So St. Peter went about creating this being which was similar to man yet was different in ways that would be appealing and could provide physical pleasure to man. When St. Peter had finished creating this being who could now be called woman he summoned The Lord.
"Ah, St. Peter, once again you have done an excellent job," said The Lord.
"Thank You, Great One," replied St. Peter. "I am now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings and senses to the being, this .. woman. I require your assistance on this matter, Lord."
"You shall make her brain, slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more feeling, more compassionate, and more adaptable than man's," said The Lord.
"The nerve endings," said St. Peter. "How many will I put in her hands?"
"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.
"Two hundred, my Lord," replied St. Peter.
"Then we shall do the same for this woman," said The Lord.
"And how many nerve endings shall we put in her feet?" inquired St. Peter.
"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.
"Seventy five, my Lord," replied St. Peter.
"Ah yes, these beings are constantly on their feet, so they benefit from having less nerve endings there. Do the same for woman," said the Lord.
"How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals?" inquired St. Peter.
"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.
"Four hundred and twenty, my Lord," replied St. Peter.
"Of course, we did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn't we? Do the same for woman," said The Lord.
"Yes, my Lord," said St. Peter.
"No, wait," said The Lord. "Screw it, give her ten thousand! I want her to scream my name!"
Well....... now you know!
So St. Peter went about creating this being which was similar to man yet was different in ways that would be appealing and could provide physical pleasure to man. When St. Peter had finished creating this being who could now be called woman he summoned The Lord.
"Ah, St. Peter, once again you have done an excellent job," said The Lord.
"Thank You, Great One," replied St. Peter. "I am now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings and senses to the being, this .. woman. I require your assistance on this matter, Lord."
"You shall make her brain, slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more feeling, more compassionate, and more adaptable than man's," said The Lord.
"The nerve endings," said St. Peter. "How many will I put in her hands?"
"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.
"Two hundred, my Lord," replied St. Peter.
"Then we shall do the same for this woman," said The Lord.
"And how many nerve endings shall we put in her feet?" inquired St. Peter.
"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.
"Seventy five, my Lord," replied St. Peter.
"Ah yes, these beings are constantly on their feet, so they benefit from having less nerve endings there. Do the same for woman," said the Lord.
"How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals?" inquired St. Peter.
"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.
"Four hundred and twenty, my Lord," replied St. Peter.
"Of course, we did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn't we? Do the same for woman," said The Lord.
"Yes, my Lord," said St. Peter.
"No, wait," said The Lord. "Screw it, give her ten thousand! I want her to scream my name!"
Well....... now you know!
Changes
Two guys were sitting around talking one day. The first guy said, "Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market."
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she has changed you so drastically, " remarked his friend.
The first guy replied, "No, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she has changed you so drastically, " remarked his friend.
The first guy replied, "No, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Formula 1 car hedge
Green machine: The grounds of the Williams F1 headquarters in Oxfordshire feature this hedge which has been trimmed into the shape of a Formula 1 car
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1215295/The-hedge-shaped-like-Formula-1-car.html#ixzz0SBrzejS7
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Red / Green Apple
A fruit of two halves: This Golden Delicious apple seems to be having an identity crisis, split perfectly down the middle into red and green. Local horticulture experts are baffled by the specimen
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Friday, September 25, 2009
Sand Storm in Sydney
Yesterday morning, the inhabitants of Sydney could observe such a fantastic picture.
A powerful sandstorm struck Queensland and New South Wales in eastern Australia. This sandstorm is the strongest since 1940.
Sandy cloud was the densest in the entire history of observations of such phenomena.
Very beautiful and unusual photographs.
Enjoy more photos here.
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Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Stupid comments of the rich and famous
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,” –Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
“““““““““““““““““
“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” –Mariah Carey
“““““““““““““““““
“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,” –Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
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“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,” — Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,” –Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
“““““““““““““““““
“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.” –Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
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“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,” –A democratic congressional candidate in Texas .
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“Half this game is ninety percent mental.” –Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.” –Al Gore, Vice President
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“I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix.” –Dan Quayle
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“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”–Lee Iacocca
“““““““““““““““““`
“The word ‘genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” –Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
“““““““““““““““““`
“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.” –Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.” –Bill Clinton, President
“““““““““““““““““`
“We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.” –Al Gore, VP “““““““““““““““““`
“Traditionally, most of Australia ’s imports come from overseas.” –Keppel Enderbery
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“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.” –Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
“““““““““““““““““`
“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.” –Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,” –Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
“““““““““““““““““
“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” –Mariah Carey
“““““““““““““““““
“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,” –Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
“““““““““““““““““
“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,” — Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
“““““““““““““““““
“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,” –Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
“““““““““““““““““
“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.” –Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
““““““““““““““““
“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,” –A democratic congressional candidate in Texas .
“““““““““““““““““
“Half this game is ninety percent mental.” –Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
“““““““““““““““““
“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.” –Al Gore, Vice President
“““““““““““““““““
“I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix.” –Dan Quayle
“““““““““““““““““
“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”–Lee Iacocca
“““““““““““““““““`
“The word ‘genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” –Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
“““““““““““““““““`
“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.” –Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
“““““““““““““““““`
“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.” –Bill Clinton, President
“““““““““““““““““`
“We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.” –Al Gore, VP “““““““““““““““““`
“Traditionally, most of Australia ’s imports come from overseas.” –Keppel Enderbery
“““““““““““““““““`
“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.” –Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
“““““““““““““““““`
“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.” –Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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11 Firsts In Internet History
1. First Image. The first image in web history was... four women, all of whom now probably regret being part of the first image in web history.
2. First E-mail. E-mail as we know it was created by a programmer named Ray Tomlinson, in 1971. People had been sending electronic messages before... but only to people on the same computer. Tomlinson created the e-mail structure that's still used today -- guy@site.stuff. (Apologies, by the way, to the real guy@site.stuff, whose e-mail I just exposed to hundreds of hungry spambots.
3. First Spam E-mail. With the first real e-mail out of the way, the door was open for the first spam e-mail. Although, based on best estimates, it took a solid seven years before someone realized that strangers on the Internet were the best target market for unsolicited penile enlargement help.
The first spam e-mail was sent out in 1978 by Gary Thuerk, a marketing rep for DEC.
4. First YouTube video. The first YouTube video features Jawed Karim... who's like the Brian Dunkleman of YouTube founders... standing at a zoo, talking about an elephant. It was posted on April 23rd, 2005.
Those interested in the pics or the rest of the entries click here.
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2. First E-mail. E-mail as we know it was created by a programmer named Ray Tomlinson, in 1971. People had been sending electronic messages before... but only to people on the same computer. Tomlinson created the e-mail structure that's still used today -- guy@site.stuff. (Apologies, by the way, to the real guy@site.stuff, whose e-mail I just exposed to hundreds of hungry spambots.
3. First Spam E-mail. With the first real e-mail out of the way, the door was open for the first spam e-mail. Although, based on best estimates, it took a solid seven years before someone realized that strangers on the Internet were the best target market for unsolicited penile enlargement help.
The first spam e-mail was sent out in 1978 by Gary Thuerk, a marketing rep for DEC.
4. First YouTube video. The first YouTube video features Jawed Karim... who's like the Brian Dunkleman of YouTube founders... standing at a zoo, talking about an elephant. It was posted on April 23rd, 2005.
Those interested in the pics or the rest of the entries click here.
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Father and Son Sparrow
Saw this video at all Action City outlet during Father's Day. Here is the full version.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Physicist, Engineer and a Programmer
A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.
The physicist said "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed".
The engineer said "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong".
The programmer said "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"
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The physicist said "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed".
The engineer said "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong".
The programmer said "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"
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Photographs of Electricity
Looks very similar to a plant's root, veins in animals and rivers oh the planet. Seems like Nature is following a standard template in creating things.
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Distraxion
Distraction is a film by Mike Stern, who probably didn’t have to listen to the boss’ favorite music while creating this. Still, you know he’s been through it at one time or another!
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Monday, September 21, 2009
Lego House For Free
“It could be the biggest bargain on the property market: a two-storey house that’s being given away for nothing. The only drawback is that this des res is made entirely out of Lego – and you’ll have to find somewhere to put it. Top Gear presenter James May has just built the world’s first full-size Lego house – including a working toilet, hot shower and a very uncomfortable bed – using 3.3million plastic bricks. About 1,000 volunteers built the 20ft-tall house in Denbies Wine Estate in Dorking, Surrey – but now the vineyard needs the land back to harvest its grapes. If no one collects it by 8am on Tuesday, it will be hacked to bits with chainsaws.”
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Sunday, September 20, 2009
How Many People Have Ever Lived On Earth?
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Advice
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”
“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
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Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”
“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
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Giant spider snapped eating bird in backyard
THIS amazing image of a mammoth spider devouring a bird was taken in the backyard of a property near Cairns.
The image, which is being circulated via email worldwide, is real, according to wildlife experts, The Cairns Post reported.
The photo, believed to have been taken earlier this week, shows the spider clenching its legs around a lifeless bird trapped in a web at a property near Atherton, west of Cairns.
Read more here.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Blonde In Library
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!" .
"Yes, Ma'am?"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."
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"Yes, Ma'am?"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."
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Tuesday, September 15, 2009
20 Things You Don't Know About Eclipse
1 The longest total solar eclipse of the century occurred on July 22 over India, Nepal, Bhutan, and China. It peaked over the Pacific Ocean, but even there the darkness lasted a mere 6 minutes and 29 seconds.
2 Fast and furious: The moon’s shadow zooms across Earth’s surface at up to 5,000 miles per hour.
3 Canadian astronomer and renowned eclipse chaser J. W. Campbell traveled the world for 50 years trying to see 12 different eclipses. He ran into overcast skies every time.
4 Don’t repeat J. W.’s mistakes: Monsoon season throughout south Asia means that there is a good chance the eclipse this July will be clouded out too.
5 Just before full eclipse, dazzling “Baily’s beads” appear where sunlight shines through valleys on the moon. The last bead creates the impression of a diamond ring in the sky.
6 On eclipse-viewing expeditions, this phenomenon is frequently accompanied by a marriage proposal.
7 The beautiful symmetry of a total solar eclipse happens because—by pure chance—the sun is 400 times larger than the moon but is also 400 times farther from Earth, making the two bodies appear the exact same size in the sky.
More here.
2 Fast and furious: The moon’s shadow zooms across Earth’s surface at up to 5,000 miles per hour.
3 Canadian astronomer and renowned eclipse chaser J. W. Campbell traveled the world for 50 years trying to see 12 different eclipses. He ran into overcast skies every time.
4 Don’t repeat J. W.’s mistakes: Monsoon season throughout south Asia means that there is a good chance the eclipse this July will be clouded out too.
5 Just before full eclipse, dazzling “Baily’s beads” appear where sunlight shines through valleys on the moon. The last bead creates the impression of a diamond ring in the sky.
6 On eclipse-viewing expeditions, this phenomenon is frequently accompanied by a marriage proposal.
7 The beautiful symmetry of a total solar eclipse happens because—by pure chance—the sun is 400 times larger than the moon but is also 400 times farther from Earth, making the two bodies appear the exact same size in the sky.
More here.
Men tell twice as many lies as women.
Heard this on radio today, here's the article.
Read all here.
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Men tell twice as many lies as women. Researchers found they tell six lies a day on average to their partner, boss and work colleagues, but women come out with just three. The study also revealed that the most common lie told by both sexes was: 'Nothing's wrong, I'm fine.'
While men are likely to fib about having their last pint and claiming their partner's behind doesn't look too big, women avoid telling the truth about their latest shopping purchases. Eighty-three per cent of adults of both sexes said they could easily tell if their partner was lying.
Read all here.
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Monday, September 14, 2009
Saturday, September 12, 2009
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Thursday, September 10, 2009
How to reset your sleeping cycle naturally
“Not eating for 12-16 hours can help people quickly reset their sleep-wake cycle, according to a study from the Harvard Medical School. This discovery can drastically improve a person’s ability to cope with jet lag or adjust to working late shifts. Scientists have long known that our circadian rhythm is regulated by our exposure to light. Now they have found a second “food clock” that takes over when we are hungry. This mechanism probably evolved to make sure starving mammals don’t go to sleep when they should be foraging for food… It usually takes people a week to fully adjust to a new time zone or sleeping schedule. To think that this new “food clock” hack can help you change your internal clock in one day is mind boggling.”
More here.
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Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Revenge of Nature
A man decided to cut down a tree that stood near his house (not enough place to park his car, the view from the window is shadowed by the tree, the falling leaves always should be gotten rid of etc).
His neighbour volunteered to help him. And you will see after the break how it all ended.
More pics here.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
Cyanide poisoning
A calm and respectable lady went to the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight in his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail. All kinds of bad things can happen. Absolutely not! You cannot buy any cyanide."
The lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband and the pharmacist's wife in bed.
The pharmacist looked at the picture, and said, "Well, now. That's different. You didn't say you had a prescription."
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The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail. All kinds of bad things can happen. Absolutely not! You cannot buy any cyanide."
The lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband and the pharmacist's wife in bed.
The pharmacist looked at the picture, and said, "Well, now. That's different. You didn't say you had a prescription."
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Reciprocal Treatment
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"
The boy replied, "What turkey?"
The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."
The boy looks, and says, "Well lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm."
The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break its leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to that bird, I'm going to do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?"
"Well, mister, I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go."
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The boy replied, "What turkey?"
The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."
The boy looks, and says, "Well lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm."
The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break its leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to that bird, I'm going to do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?"
"Well, mister, I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go."
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Blonde and football game
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles. But I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, he asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like....Helloooo? It's only 25 cents!"
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"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles. But I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, he asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like....Helloooo? It's only 25 cents!"
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Sunday, September 6, 2009
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Walking the dog
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
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Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
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Thursday, September 3, 2009
Never miss an action again
“The central feature of Horse Bazaar is an immersive projection environment. The bar contains a 20m continuous digital canvas on which new media and digital artworks are projected. The Horse also runs Australia’s richest annual digital art prize, and has created a world first, the Rear Projection Urinal (RPU). It’s art for peeing on.”
Read more here.
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