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Saturday, February 27, 2010
Santa's Bad Day - Birth of a tradition
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
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Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
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Best for Mama
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together and discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, “I had a big house built for Mama.”
The second said, “I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house.”
The third said, “I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her.”
The fourth said, “You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can’t read anymore because she can’t see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 1 1/2 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.” The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays, Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
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The first said, “I had a big house built for Mama.”
The second said, “I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house.”
The third said, “I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her.”
The fourth said, “You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can’t read anymore because she can’t see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 1 1/2 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.” The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays, Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
”Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.”
“Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.”
“Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.”
“Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you.”
Luv Ya,
MAMA
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Thursday, February 25, 2010
Isolated Homes
There are no better places to be all alone, far from the civilization and everything that goes with it – far from the people, the noise, the pollution, the problems…
Those are perfect places for people willing to rest far from everything!
This is a compilation about isolated homes lost in the middle of God knows where…
More pics here.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
The Priest Game
A priest was an avid golfer, and couldn't wait for winter to end. Checking the weather report, he saw that it would be a beautiful spring morning on Sunday, and perfect for golf. The weather would likely turn awful for about the six weeks afterward.
The problem was that he was committed to hosting the Women's Auxiliary Tea Party after Mass, and probably wouldn't make it to the course on time for 9 holes, let alone 18.
So, on Sunday morning, he called his assistant, and asked if he could cover for him, as he was feeling ill. He then dressed in plain clothes, and drove 100 miles to a golf course in a different town, just in case someone recognized him.
Saint Peter is watching this, and calls God over. "Look at this fellow," he said. "He has lied to his congregation and shirked his duties just to play golf."
God smiles, makes a gesture, and the Priest sinks a Hole-in-One.
"Why did you do THAT?" asks Peter. "He's been playing golf for 40 years and has never even come CLOSE to getting a Hole-in-One."
"I know," replies God. "And now that he has made one, who can he tell about it?"
The problem was that he was committed to hosting the Women's Auxiliary Tea Party after Mass, and probably wouldn't make it to the course on time for 9 holes, let alone 18.
So, on Sunday morning, he called his assistant, and asked if he could cover for him, as he was feeling ill. He then dressed in plain clothes, and drove 100 miles to a golf course in a different town, just in case someone recognized him.
Saint Peter is watching this, and calls God over. "Look at this fellow," he said. "He has lied to his congregation and shirked his duties just to play golf."
God smiles, makes a gesture, and the Priest sinks a Hole-in-One.
"Why did you do THAT?" asks Peter. "He's been playing golf for 40 years and has never even come CLOSE to getting a Hole-in-One."
"I know," replies God. "And now that he has made one, who can he tell about it?"
Old Watering Hole
It was a typical night at the old watering hole.
Jim walked in, took his seat at the bar and ordered a tall one.
Then Jim told his buddy,
Bill, "I called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently.
"Confused by his buddy's comment,
Bill asked, "Oh? Why were you wondering about that?"
Jim explained, "Well, somebody married my ex-wife last week."
Jim walked in, took his seat at the bar and ordered a tall one.
Then Jim told his buddy,
Bill, "I called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently.
"Confused by his buddy's comment,
Bill asked, "Oh? Why were you wondering about that?"
Jim explained, "Well, somebody married my ex-wife last week."
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Joe's Old Boat
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group from out-of-state who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Therefore, Joe did not know that his brother John's wife had died suddenly that day. When Joe got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.
A kind old neighbour woman mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible".
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no!! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys who were looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!"
The old woman fainted!!
A kind old neighbour woman mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible".
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no!! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys who were looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!"
The old woman fainted!!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
50 Brain Facts
The brain is perhaps the most fascinating organ in the human body. It controls everything from breathing to emotions to learning. If you work with children, here are some facts that you might find helpful, from how the brain affects learning to facts about memory to interesting facts about the brain that you can share with your students.
1.Read aloud. Parents and teachers who read aloud and talk often to young children are promoting brain development.
2.Bilingual brains. Children who learn two languages before the age of five have a different brain structure than children who learn only one language.
3.Child abuse and the brain. Studies have shown that child abuse can change the way the brain develops and can negatively affect learning.
4.New neurons. Throughout life, mental activity promotes the production of new neurons in the brain.
5.Handedness. Those who are left-handed or ambidextrous have a corpus collosum that is about 11% larger than those who are right-handed.
6.Brain growth. The human brain continues to grow until about age 18.
7.Stimulating environment. If a child is in a stimulating environment, she has a 25% greater ability to learn . Conversely, if she is in an environment with low stimulation, she has 25% less ability to learn.
8.Creative vs. methodical. Scientists have shown that creative thinkers’ brains work in different ways from the brains of those who think more methodically.
9.Food and intelligence. One study looked at students in New York and showed that those who ate lunches that did not include artificial flavors, preservatives, and dyes did 14% better on IQ tests than the students who ate lunches with these additives.
10.Boredom. Humans have an innate curiosity, but when they have a lack of stimulation, boredom sets in.
More brain facts here.
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1.Read aloud. Parents and teachers who read aloud and talk often to young children are promoting brain development.
2.Bilingual brains. Children who learn two languages before the age of five have a different brain structure than children who learn only one language.
3.Child abuse and the brain. Studies have shown that child abuse can change the way the brain develops and can negatively affect learning.
4.New neurons. Throughout life, mental activity promotes the production of new neurons in the brain.
5.Handedness. Those who are left-handed or ambidextrous have a corpus collosum that is about 11% larger than those who are right-handed.
6.Brain growth. The human brain continues to grow until about age 18.
7.Stimulating environment. If a child is in a stimulating environment, she has a 25% greater ability to learn . Conversely, if she is in an environment with low stimulation, she has 25% less ability to learn.
8.Creative vs. methodical. Scientists have shown that creative thinkers’ brains work in different ways from the brains of those who think more methodically.
9.Food and intelligence. One study looked at students in New York and showed that those who ate lunches that did not include artificial flavors, preservatives, and dyes did 14% better on IQ tests than the students who ate lunches with these additives.
10.Boredom. Humans have an innate curiosity, but when they have a lack of stimulation, boredom sets in.
More brain facts here.
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Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Phil The Postman
One Monday morning Phil the postman is cycling through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and wine bottles for the recycling bin.
''Morning, Derek, looks like you guys had a great party last night,' Phil the Postman comments.
Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'
Phil thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play 'WHO AM I?'
'Well, all the guys go into the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our erection showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women have to try and guess who it is.'
Phil laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up seven
times....'
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As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and wine bottles for the recycling bin.
''Morning, Derek, looks like you guys had a great party last night,' Phil the Postman comments.
Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'
Phil thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play 'WHO AM I?'
'Well, all the guys go into the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our erection showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women have to try and guess who it is.'
Phil laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up seven
times....'
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Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Running Barefoot Is Good
The bare human foot is better for running than one cushioned by sneakers. What about those $125 high-tech running shoes with 648 custom combinations? Toss 'em, according to Daniel Lieberman, professor of human evolutionary biology at Harvard University.
'Most people today think barefoot running is dangerous and hurts,' he says, 'but actually you can run barefoot on the world's hardest surfaces without the slightest discomfort and pain. It might be less injurious than the way some people run in shoes.'
Read more here.
'Most people today think barefoot running is dangerous and hurts,' he says, 'but actually you can run barefoot on the world's hardest surfaces without the slightest discomfort and pain. It might be less injurious than the way some people run in shoes.'
Read more here.
Monday, February 1, 2010
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