Worth a try....
via
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Embarrassing Compulsion
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine.
He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face.
Before the bartender could recover from the surprise,
the man began weeping."I'm sorry," he said.
"I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders.
I can't tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic.
Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem.
"I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the bartender said
. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him,
and they say he's as good as they get."
The man wrote down the name of the doctor,
thanked the bartender, and left
.The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back
."Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked,
while serving a glass of white wine
."I certainly did," the man said.
"I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week."
He took a sip of the wine.
Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel.
"The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he sputtered
."On the contrary," the man claimed,
"he's done me a world of good."
"But you threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.
"Yes," the man replied,
"but it doesn't embarrass me anymore."
via
He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face.
Before the bartender could recover from the surprise,
the man began weeping."I'm sorry," he said.
"I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders.
I can't tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic.
Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem.
"I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the bartender said
. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him,
and they say he's as good as they get."
The man wrote down the name of the doctor,
thanked the bartender, and left
.The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back
."Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked,
while serving a glass of white wine
."I certainly did," the man said.
"I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week."
He took a sip of the wine.
Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel.
"The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he sputtered
."On the contrary," the man claimed,
"he's done me a world of good."
"But you threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.
"Yes," the man replied,
"but it doesn't embarrass me anymore."
via
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Who Did it?
A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:
The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.
The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.
The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed.
The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.
The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.
The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly.
The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.
The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.
via
The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.
The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.
The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed.
The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.
The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.
The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly.
The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.
The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.
via
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Lost In Translation
At Funnytranslator.com you enter any text. The site then translates your text in up to 56 different languages and back to English. The results can be hilarious. We entered some familiar text to give it a try.
“We scour the web so you don’t have to.”
After 10 translations and back….
“Searching the web, it should not.”
After 56 translations we got….
“Internet is important.”
Try it yourself here.
via
“We scour the web so you don’t have to.”
After 10 translations and back….
“Searching the web, it should not.”
After 56 translations we got….
“Internet is important.”
Try it yourself here.
via
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Broken Leg
"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago..."
"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said no, everything is fine. 'Are you sure?' she asked. 'I'm sure,' I said. 'Isn't there anything I can do for you?' she wanted to know. 'I reckon not' I replied.
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
via
"Well, doc, 25 years ago..."
"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said no, everything is fine. 'Are you sure?' she asked. 'I'm sure,' I said. 'Isn't there anything I can do for you?' she wanted to know. 'I reckon not' I replied.
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
via
Sunday, July 18, 2010
CORN CATCHING KERNELER
Corn catching kerneler removes and collects kernels from the cob in one quick motion. Place at the narrow end of cob and press straight down to harvest all the kernels in one motion. Neatly collects kernels in the basin of the container. No more mess to clean up! Holds approximately 2 ears of kernels. Stainless steel and plastic, 5 x 5 x 1 3/4".
Buy it here.
via
Friday, July 16, 2010
Private Bench
PAY & SIT: the private bench (HD) from Fabian Brunsing on Vimeo.
Soon to be implemented in Singapore.
via
Chinese man drives across 'beer road'
A Chinese man has made a stunning Guinness world record of driving across two rows of bottled beers for over 196 feet in Wenzhou. Li Guiwen, an army driver from Beijing, steered along 1,798 bottles for 196 feet in a time of eight minutes and 28 seconds in eastern China’s Zhejiang province. He had previously attempted the same record in 2009, but due to rain, the right tire of his vehicle slipped off the bottle track.”
via
Thursday, July 15, 2010
_%5B800x600%5D.jpeg)
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Miracle Doctor
A new doctor had arrived in town.
He could cure anything and anybody.
Everyone was amazed with what he could do -
everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.
Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor'
to prove that he wasn't anybody special.
When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor,
"Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste.
I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?"
The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little,
then told Mr. Thompson,
"What you need is jar number 47."
So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it,
and told Mr. Thompson to taste it.
He tasted it and immediately spit it out,
"This is gross!" he yelled.
"Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson," said the doctor.
So Mr. Thompson went home.... very mad.
One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor
and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem.
"Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!"
Thinking he had the doctor stumped now,
he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little,
and told Mr. Thompson,
"What you need is jar number 47, it's......"
But before the doctor could finish his sentence,
Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room
via
He could cure anything and anybody.
Everyone was amazed with what he could do -
everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.
Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor'
to prove that he wasn't anybody special.
When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor,
"Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste.
I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?"
The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little,
then told Mr. Thompson,
"What you need is jar number 47."
So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it,
and told Mr. Thompson to taste it.
He tasted it and immediately spit it out,
"This is gross!" he yelled.
"Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson," said the doctor.
So Mr. Thompson went home.... very mad.
One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor
and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem.
"Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!"
Thinking he had the doctor stumped now,
he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little,
and told Mr. Thompson,
"What you need is jar number 47, it's......"
But before the doctor could finish his sentence,
Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room
via
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
What Bible Means
A father was approached by his young son
who told him proudly, 'I know what the Bible
means'.
The father smiled and replied, 'What do you
mean you know the Bible?'
'That's easy, Daddy', the boy replied excitedly,
'It means, Basic Information Before Leaving Earth'.
who told him proudly, 'I know what the Bible
means'.
The father smiled and replied, 'What do you
mean you know the Bible?'
'That's easy, Daddy', the boy replied excitedly,
'It means, Basic Information Before Leaving Earth'.
Monday, July 5, 2010
The Driving Test
A professional juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
"What are you doing with these matches and lighter fluid in your car?" asks the police officer.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah? Let's see you do it," says the officer.
So the juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches
masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his
wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"
"What are you doing with these matches and lighter fluid in your car?" asks the police officer.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah? Let's see you do it," says the officer.
So the juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches
masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his
wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"
Have You Ever Danced?
An old prospector shuffled into small town Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. . . Never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir. . . But. . . I've always wanted to."
There are two lessons for us all here:
Don't waste ammunition.
And . . . Don't mess with old people.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. . . Never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir. . . But. . . I've always wanted to."
There are two lessons for us all here:
Don't waste ammunition.
And . . . Don't mess with old people.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
The Pond
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely: picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
via
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
via
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)