Thursday, March 31, 2011
Order In Court
man is in court for murder and the judge says, ”You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”
Then a voice at the back of the court says, ”You bastard.”
The judge continues, ”You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer.”
Again the voice at the back of the court says, ”You bastard.”
The judge says, ”Now, we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! What is the problem?”
The man at the back of the court says, ”Fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and everytime I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one!”
via
Then a voice at the back of the court says, ”You bastard.”
The judge continues, ”You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer.”
Again the voice at the back of the court says, ”You bastard.”
The judge says, ”Now, we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! What is the problem?”
The man at the back of the court says, ”Fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and everytime I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one!”
via
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
It's Showtime!
Friday, March 25, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
IT geeks
Two Information Technology geeks were chatting in a pub after work.
"Guess what, mate," says the first IT guy,
"yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar."
"What did you do?" says the other IT guy.
"Well, I invited her over to my place,
we had a couple of drinks,
we got into the mood
and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off."
"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy.
"I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her
and put her on my desk next to my new laptop."
"Really!!?
You got a new laptop!!
via
"Guess what, mate," says the first IT guy,
"yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar."
"What did you do?" says the other IT guy.
"Well, I invited her over to my place,
we had a couple of drinks,
we got into the mood
and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off."
"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy.
"I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her
and put her on my desk next to my new laptop."
"Really!!?
You got a new laptop!!
via
Nuclear Boy
A Japanese cartoon explains the situation at the Fukushima nuclear plant, in bathroom terms that children can understand.
via
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Going to Heaven
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
via
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
via
Grapes to Raisin
Watch grapes turn into raisins in only 30 seconds, through the magic of time-lapse photography. This video follows a bunch of grapes over three months. You can make raisins yourself, in a week or so, but you should separate the raisins to maximize the drying surface and put them in a warm place, like in direct sunlight.
via
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Been watching too many horror films?
Not in English but this video looks at how people react when they come around a corner in a hotel and just see a little girl standing there in a white dress.
via
Legs
After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly, she jerked away, got out of the car is a hurry, and ran home. Later that night, she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best friends are her own two legs."
On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they were kissing passionately, Carl slid his hand up Mary's skirt. Once again, she pulled away, got out of the car, and hurried home. Later that night, she wrote in her diary, "I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two legs."
On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time, Mary didn't get home until very late. That night, she wrote in her diary, "There comes a time when even the best of friends must part."
via
On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they were kissing passionately, Carl slid his hand up Mary's skirt. Once again, she pulled away, got out of the car, and hurried home. Later that night, she wrote in her diary, "I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two legs."
On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time, Mary didn't get home until very late. That night, she wrote in her diary, "There comes a time when even the best of friends must part."
via
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Snakes Bites Woman's Breast
Don't play with snakes....
Monday, March 7, 2011
Friday, March 4, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Siamese twins walk into a bar…
Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, “Don’t mind us; we’re joined at the hip. I’m John, he’s Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.”
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. “Been on holiday yet, lads?”
“Off to England next month,” says John. “We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don’t we, Jim?” Jim agrees.
“Ah, England!” says the bartender. “Wonderful country… the history, the beer, the culture…”
“Nah, we don’t like that British crap,” says John. “Hamburgers and Molson’s beer, that’s us, eh Jim? And we can’t stand the English – they’re so arrogant and rude.”
“So why keep going to England?” asks the bartender.
“It’s the only chance Jim gets to drive.”
via
One of them says to the bartender, “Don’t mind us; we’re joined at the hip. I’m John, he’s Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.”
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. “Been on holiday yet, lads?”
“Off to England next month,” says John. “We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don’t we, Jim?” Jim agrees.
“Ah, England!” says the bartender. “Wonderful country… the history, the beer, the culture…”
“Nah, we don’t like that British crap,” says John. “Hamburgers and Molson’s beer, that’s us, eh Jim? And we can’t stand the English – they’re so arrogant and rude.”
“So why keep going to England?” asks the bartender.
“It’s the only chance Jim gets to drive.”
via
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
World’s lousiest bank robbery took place in China
00:22 The man walked into the bank.
00:27 The man put on a mask over his head, while the two clerks were chitchatting.
00:30 Bank clerks screamed at the masked man and left their seats to reach for the phone over the counter and set off the alarm.
00:38 The men began hammering the glass with a hatchet.
00:49 One clerk fetched a stun baton from a cabinet and held it tight in her hands.
01:28 The clerk with the stun baton reached the police over her cellphone. She said, indistinctly, “Hurry over!”
02:59 Two clerks took away things, perhaps cash or official stamp, from the desk drawers and carried a briefcase with them.
03:15 The man made his first attempt to pass through the small opening on the glass.
03:33 He kept hammering after the failure.
03:46 Another customer was coming in before he realized what was happening and retreated.
04:23 He finally got to the other side of the glass and began rummaging.
04:51 He found two stacks of cash money and stuffed them into his pocket.
05:08 Two armed policemen arrived.
05:37 Policemen grabbed the robber’s foot while yelling repeatedly “Freeze!”
06:06 One policeman fired a shot at the robber but missed him.
06:09 The robber escaped through one back door. One policeman ran out from the front door to catch him.
Thanks AsteroidS
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